What's your relationship use-by date?
Are you on your way to the altar and a happily ever after, or does your relationship have a 'best before' date of this weekend? Take the use-by-date quiz and find out whether your love is non-perishable or you’ll end up leaving him on the shelf. By Louisa Deasey.
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| 1. | Your first date with your current beau was… |
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A casual post-work drinks followed by dinner. He pulled out his wallet to pay and you agreed only if it would be your treat next time. |
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Chat and chew at a cheap city cafe where you discussed the Gamblers Anonymous meeting (or similar) you both attended. |
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Carrot and celery juice in the park after a two-and-half hour gym session – you spied each other over the free weights. |
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Date? Not sure. You drank so much it was all a bit of a blur but you kissed him so you must like him right? |
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| 2. | How much do you spend on your mobile bill per month? |
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Me: $50. Him: The same. You use the phone to arrange meeting times, as you both prefer face-to-face communication. |
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Him: Zip. Me: over $100. He calls you reverse-charges a lot (thanks, Pat Rafter), as he has a lot of issues that need to be workshopped. Who are you to refuse a little counselling to the one you love? |
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Last month he paid more than $600 and three pages of the bill were just your number! He just loves the sound of your voice. |
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Not much. You never call – you just SMS and got his last message at 3am: “feelin horni wan2…” He can't spell. |
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| 3. | You and your boy meet up with your best friend: |
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Every few weeks – they’ve known each other for years. In fact, she was the one who said we’d be great together. |
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Once. You wouldn’t let him near her again after he suggested a threesome. In front of her. |
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Do Mondays count? That’s when you girls watch Sex And The City videos. Then he honks out the front. For some reason he can never find a park.d Never. I’m afraid to show him to any of my friends. |
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Never. You're afraid to show him to any of your friends. |
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| 4. | The drink that best describes your sex life is… |
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A rich, full-bodied shiraz. Deep, lingering, better and better with time. |
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A scotch on the rocks. Hot and icy, as it usually occurs after a fight. |
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A glass of bubbles. Happy, fun, light. |
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A Screaming Orgasm. Quick and creamy. Sends you spinning. |
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| 5. | On your birthday he… |
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Calls at midnight to be the first to say Happy Birthday. Then on the day he turns up with a bottle of your favourite perfume and that book you’ve been wanting on astrology (even though he doesn’t believe in it.) |
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Hands you his tattered copy of the Kama Sutra and says your reading it will bring you closer to him. You flip through it in his bed while he smokes and wonder whether it’s worth risking pulling a muscle. |
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Throws you a surprise party despite the fact that your friends are sipping cocktails in the corner and his mates are fighting over the keg. |
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Leaves some crotchless panties on your bed. There’s no tag but you assume they’re your present and not someone else’s leftovers. |
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| 6. | You’re at his parents place for dinner. The most disturbing part of the evening is when: |
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It’s not disturbing at all. It’s like they walked off the set of The Brady Bunch. They’re better than your own ma and pa. |
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His dad stands up, slams his fist on the table and yells at his mum. Your boy keeps eating, so you do, too. |
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His mum giggles when you mention you are studying law. His dad gives your boyfriend a smug look and says, Got yerself a smart one then, eh? |
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Parents' place? As if. You just have sex. But there was that one time when they went on holidays and he wanted to do it in his childhood bed… |
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| 7. | The last comment your parents made about the two of you was: |
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You’ve got the same beautiful eyes! |
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Doesn’t he know smoking causes lung cancer? |
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It’s all a learning experience… |
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That’s the worst case of stubble rash I’ve ever seen. |
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| 8. | He’s raring to go but you’ve got a headache, he… |
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Asks if you need some pain killers, then massages your temples ever so softly until you fall asleep. You feel great when you wake up, so you jump him for being so understanding. |
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Says he’s willing to forfeit sex for a little oral action, explaining that a blowjob might have a medicinal effect on your migraine. |
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Stops and rolls over. Pats you on the leg and says, We’ll do it next Wednesday then. |
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Is passed out. He’s so drunk that by the time you’ve gone to the medical cabinet he’s unconscious. |
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| 9. | He still sees his ex… |
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Once in a blue moon. He’s told you about her but she never comes up in conversation. |
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Most weekends. He does have visiting rights to the kids, you know. |
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Every weekend. She’s still very close with his friends and is actually dating one of his brothers. |
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Ex? Dunno. Don’t care. Well, you don’t even know his last name much less his ex’s. |
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| 10. | Where did he last take you for dinner? |
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Thalai Thai – we both love the green chicken curry. |
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Chris’s Hot Souvlaki House. |
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Sizzler – he had steak, I had a salad. |
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Does whipped cream count? |
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| 11. | The last comment he made about your looks was: |
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You’re naturally beautiful – you don’t need make-up. |
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I like women with small breasts. |
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The size of your hips is making me clucky. |
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Hot ass. |
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| 12. | You tell him you’ve got an interview for your dream job. He… |
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Buys you motivational books and stages mock interviews to get you in tip-top form. |
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Tells you not to try too hard as the establishment will suck you dry. |
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Smiles at you and kisses you passionately. Goes back to whatever he was doing before. |
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Snores. Loudly. |
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| 13. | The last disagreement you had was about: |
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Whether to see a movie or a band. You ended up doing both. |
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He called you racist because you refused to pay for Swahili lessons. No-one won. The argument made no sense. |
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Religion. He’s an atheist, you’re Roman Catholic. |
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Who’d be on top. |
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| 14. | His dream woman is: |
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Charlize Theron – because everyone’s allowed a fantasy. |
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Winona Ryder – something about that kleptomaniac streak gets him going. |
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He has eyes for nobody but you (unless you count the time you caught him copping a sneaky look at that waitress the other day). |
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Christina Aguilera. |
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| 15. | He mentions he’d like to become a father one day. You feel: |
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Touched. You know he’d be a great dad and tell him so. |
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Fearful. He’s going to have to give up the bongs and eat more vegetables than are contained in a meat pie. |
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Excited. You’ve got him! Start planning the wedding and naming the kids. |
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Creeped. Make mental note to switch to a more reliable contraceptive. Check all condoms for holes. |
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| 16. | His most endearing quality is: |
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His compassion. He inspires you to be a better person. |
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His rebellious streak. He’s on the dole because he refuses to be a nine-to-five slave. He’s into free love, peace and feminists who don’t wear bras. |
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His protective streak. He won’t even let you catch public transport without worrying. It’s so sweet. |
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The things he does with his tongue stud … |
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